Ending the Year With Gratitude
An ode to 2024
It’s Sunday night as I write this. The smell of palo santo fills the air to help clear away any negative energies from my day of travel and to let my creativity flow freely.
I’m finally home after 10 days of being away. This is my safe space. My desk chair is broken, my suitcase is on the living room floor waiting to be unpacked, and random items I haven't found a home for yet are still scattered around my place from the recent move. It’s a bit of a mess.
The mess feels like a good metaphor for how this past year.
This year challenged me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’m extremely grateful to be where I am now, but boy, do I feel ready to put an end to this year.
I’d like to start by acknowledging the positive aspects of my year: I traveled to new places, I reunited with Grandmother Ayahuasca, I moved to a new apartment, I got a new job, and I strengthened my relationships with family and friends. There is a lot to be grateful for, and I am.
At the same time, it’s much easier to recognize those things looking back, rather than knowing how I felt as they were happening. This year was fucking hard for me; I don’t want to sit here and pretend like it wasn’t. At the beginning of the year, I chose my word of the year to be play, but as I reflect on the majority of the year, it feels like the more appropriate word would be struggle.
My main challenges were financial and finding my path. I’d love to say I’ve figured these out as I close out the year, and compared to the beginning of the year I have certainly made some progress, but I’m also still working on it.
I was at war with myself this year. It’s been over two years since I took ayahuasca for the first time and embarked on this never-ending journey into myself. 2023 was a year of shedding and letting go of things that no longer served me. 2024 was supposed to be the year my path became clearer. I wanted so badly for that to be the case.
That was my problem. I got so attached to the idea that everything would finally start making sense and things would get easier. I sought comfort instead of growth. My problem wasn’t that things didn’t get easier, my problem was that I could not accept things as they were.
I haven’t posted a new podcast in over 2 months now, which is the longest I’ve gone without posting a new episode since I started. I was tired and my heart wasn’t in it anymore, so I stopped. It wouldn’t have been authentic to keep posting as the year came to an end.
When I first started the podcast, I didn’t care about who listened, who followed me, or anything else like that. I did it because I just wanted my voice out there and I knew that it would reach the people who needed to hear it. At some point this year, my mindset shifted. I don’t know exactly when, and I don’t think it even matters, but I know it did.
As hard as it is to admit it, I think I stopped believing in myself at some point this year when things weren’t going how I thought they should. In that sense, I guess this year has been one long, slow ego death.
Ironic, isn’t it?
That’s what we psychonauts chase. It’s the ultimate psychedelic experience. Here it was playing out in real time throughout my life and I didn’t even notice.
It wasn’t what happened this year that made it feel like such a struggle, it was my inability to accept my circumstances as they were. I was searching so hard to find my path that I didn’t allow myself to just be.
My first big ego death after ayahuasca had me feeling lost. That time, however, I was okay with being lost; I embraced it. I didn’t feel the need to find my way like I did this year. It’s my subconscious programming coming to light again, my need for control, the same struggle I’ve been dealing with all my life.
I’m still not in control.
I never was.
My job isn’t to control anything, my job is to allow the universe to flow through me and trust that if I remain open to it, I’ll always end up where I need to be. Easier said than done, clearly.
As I end this year, I feel calmer than I have maybe all year. I’m thankful for the challenges I faced and the wisdom gained from experiencing the struggle. It was only me versus me all along, and I think it’s time to give myself a little grace. I look forward to the new challenges that lie ahead for me in 2025.
To whoever chooses to read this and follow my journey with me, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Cam Leids is the host of The TripSitting Podcast and the founder of Conscious Retreats, a company dedicated to helping individuals discover the best retreat centers for their psychedelic journeys. Passionate about exploring humanity, spirituality, and mental health, he shares insights that inspire deeper connections and intentional living. Follow him on Substack and Instagram